When I saw the sign, I couldn't resist: "Box a Kangaroo: $40." I always chided anyone who actually lost a boxing match to a kangaroo. Who couldn't beat up a kangaroo? I grew up watching Muhammed Ali, Joe Frazier, George Foreman, and all the rest, and once owned an authentic pair of Everlast boxing gloves, so I knew that this kangaroo would be no problem. Or so I thought.
"47-0," the sign by the window boasted. "Is that his lifetime record?" I inquired. "No, that is his record for the month (it was still November at the time)," replied the vendor, who reminded me a bit of Don King, the famous boxing promoter. "Wow!" I thought, "47 times $40 equals $1,880! I ought to buy a kangaroo and teach him how to box." Okay, so that isn't what entered my mind right then, but now that I'm writing . . .
"Who decides who wins the match?" I asked, for I'd been around boxing (and seen enough Olympic ice skating) long enough to know that scoring was critical. "It's easy," the promoter replied, "the first one knocked down twice is the loser."
It sounded fair enough, so I strapped on my head gear and two boxing gloves. As I laced up my boxing gloves, I immediately checked to see if they were SPCA-approved (that's Society for the Protection against Cruelty to Animals). I was sure they were, for there was so much padding that I started to fear that my blows to this kangaroo would never hurt it. I started to wonder if the deck was stacked against me. But my $40 already had changed hands, so I vowed to fight my heart out.
As Don King announced to the crowd of three (Susan, Amy, and Tyler) that the match was for the World Kangaroo Boxing Association (yes, there is a WKBA) championship, I felt a little stupid. Beating up on Garrett is one thing, but beating up a helpless kangaroo?
The bell rang and I fearlessly (okay, I wouldn't believe me either!) moved toward the center of the ring. I held my gloves high in front of my face and started to bounce (okay, bad word choice)toward the kangaroo. Sugar Ray Leonard would have been proud of me. But then something happened. Something I never thought possible. Quite frankly, I didn't even see it coming and I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit it. You could say that it was an uppercut of sorts. But whatever it was, I ended up on my backside. Thankfully, the only thing injured was my ego, so I scrambled to my feet. "7!, 8!, 9!" No, I wasn't being counted out. Rather, I was thinking about how quickly my $40 were almost gone.
With a trickle of blood (yes, the blood actually may have been from my scratching one of my 1,000 plus misquito bites, but it sounds better) coming from my nose, I was now over my fear of hurting this kangaroo. It knew what it was doing to me. It wasn't helpless and it wasn't nice. And it was payback time.
Rather than hop back out to the center of the ring, I decided to stay in my corner and play rope-a-dope. Who says you can't learn a thing or two from TV? And, believe it or not, the kangaroo came at me, but rather than try to hit him, I simply covered up and braced for his blow. "Slam!" I heard his back feet hit my arms. But since I was up against the ropes this time, I didn't get knocked down.
Clearly, the kangaroo was surprised that I had not fallen. So as it stood there, I (brace yourself, particularly if you are an animal lover) clocked him right on the jaw. "Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!!" I could hear Howard Cosell shouting from times passed. In my ear, however, I could hear Amy saying, "Daddy! You hurt the poor, little kangaroo!"
Now, with my ego hurt by the first blow from the kangaroo, and with my image as a father hurt by my blow to this cute looking beast, I had a choice to make: Do I try to win or do I throw in the towel in hopes of winning Father-of-the-Year? One glance over at the WKBA championship belt, which, strangely, was sized to fit a kangaroo, and I knew what I had to do--promise Amy an ice cream when it was all over!
For a second, I thought to ask Susan to film the rest of the fight, so that we might put it on You-Tube, but then the thought of being either: 1) the doofus who got beat up by a kangaroo; or 2) the newly-found villian of Green Peace. My senses got the best of me and I said nothing.
"Ya, ready, mate?" asked the Don King wannabe (come to think of it, maybe it was Don King! The kangaroo looked awfully poor for all his winnings!). But then Mr. King did what only boxing promoters could do: he changed the rules midstream. He brought out a new, humongous, red kangaroo. It was more than double the size of the other kangaroo, which I later learned was only a wallabee (please, don't look up how small it was, lest you think I'm an absolute wimp).
"Hey, that's not fair," I objected. "What are you, chicken, mate?" (They say "mate" all the time over here . . . mate.) Apparently, even in the outback, they know the universal insult to manhood is to be called "chicken." "No, but . . ." I started, but couldn't think of any good excuse why the wallabee should stay in the ring. "Besides, it would be cruel to the roo (he obviously knew that I was clueless as to what kind of animal I had been fighting) to let him stay in the ring; he might get hurt." Clearly, Don King had a satelite dish somewhere on these remote premises, so I was no match for his politcally correct concerns. And, quite frankly, I'd rather fight a kangaroo than engage in some p.c. battle any day.
Mr. King rang the bell and the big roo just stood still. 20 seconds passed and neither of us moved. "Uh, oh," I thought, "rope-a-dope isn't going to work this time." "C'mon, mate, get boxin'" hollered Mr. King. About then, my common sense really kicked in: what in the world was I trying to prove here?
Before any more common sense could kick in, the roo charged me. I wanted to run and hide (Did I just write that?), but it was too late. As the roo jumped in the air to kick me in the face, I ducked, and the roo missed my face, but ended up on my back. The thing weighed a ton.
As I tried to push the roo off my back, he twisted and ended up around my neck. (Yes, I was now giving a kangaroo a piggy back ride.) But then the roo pulled out one of the dirtiest tricks in the book: he pulled the wool (or whatever his fur is called) of his pouch over my eyes. I couldn't see anything, so I ended up tripping and falling to the ground. The match was over. "48-0!" shouted Mr. King as he began to laugh. What did you expect from a boxing match? They're all fixed. And if you don't believe me, then just ask my great, great uncle, Mark Twain.